World War III (WWIII), also known as The War On Yourself, was a global war that lasted from 2022 to 2025. It was the deadliest conflict in human history, with estimates of up to 1.2 billion fatalities, approximately 94% of which were self-inflicted.
wait, they didn't lock this page from vandalism yet? WWIII was also notable for being the first widespread use of mathematical warfare, neuro-psychological warfare, and
penis penis penis ha ha penis.
See also: The Big Brain Boom-Bust
In the late 2010's,
y'know, we never figured out what to call that decade there was a global economic boom in personal brain-sensor implants.
the tennies? the... teens? New technologies that were created in this time included Personal MRIs, Serotonin Monitors, and Dream Catchers. This was regarded by many as a time of great promise and prosperity. Taylor Chiang, the then-CEO of Alphabet-Tesla, remarked in a 2019 press conference:
"Socrates once said: know thyself. Too much of humanity's suffering in the past, and present, is caused by us not knowing ourselves. People were too proud of themselves and their nations, so they rushed headfirst into World War I. People were too zealous in their ideologies, so they committed genocides in World War II. People didn't know how to control their capacity for cruelty, so they made tragedies in Dresden, Auschwitz, Nanking, Hiroshima, My Lai, the World Trade Center, Alep
oh my god does this whiner ever shut up
But no more. As we enter the age of Big Brain Data, we can finally overcome our human frailties. Getting angry? Your implants will lower your testosterone levels before you know it. Feeling alienated? Your implants will give you a quick shot of oxytocin to re-connect you with humanity. Already, our implants are helping people with PTSD, depression, anxiety, and so much more. By collecting data on 8 billion peoples' hopes, dreams, fears and feelings, we can predict our worst impulses, and prevent them from ever happening in the first place.
There's always been a war inside of us: between our better angels, and our inner demons. After hundreds of thousands of years of human history... our angels will finally win."
The following year, the global economy collapsed. Alphabet-Tesla, unable to pay the expenses of keeping the world's information secure, was hacked, and the brain data of 8 billion people was leaked to the public on July 28th, 2022. This is widely recognized as the official start of World War III.
The Murder-Suicide of Jennifer & John Franklin
Main article: The Franklin Family
On July 29th, 2022, the day after the brain data leaks, Jennifer Franklin went to a local neuro-modification shop to uninstall her implants, concerned about privacy issues.
hey, my mom went to school with her! However, since she had been relying on the emotion-stabilizing implants for years, after she had them removed, she succumbed to her negative emotions, such as jealousy.
my mom said Jenn always had a jealous personality According to the Palo Alto Investigations, she had suspected her husband, John Franklin, of infidelity, and illegally downloaded the entirety of her husband's leaked brain data.
they called her Jelly Jenny
Jennifer Franklin, a security researcher by profession, created a bot to scrape her husband's brain data, and cross-correlate it with their local social networks' data. That evening, when John Franklin arrived home from pilates class, she confronted him. The following is an excerpt from their conversation, recorded by their Amazon Alexa:
Jenn: You slept with my ENTIRE family?!
John: Oh. Yes. Did I forget to mention?
Jenn: Did y-- what the FUCK? What the fucking FUCK, John?!
John: Jenn, your emotions are way above baseline. Are your implants functioning alright?
Jenn: My GRANDPA. YOU FUCKED MY GRANDPA.
John: His oxytocin levels have been low ever since his wife passed away, and I just wanted to hel--
Jenn: You ATE OUT MY MOM.
John: Come now, Jenn, there's nothing wrong with sharing pleasure hormones with beloved family mem--
Jenn: You had a FIVESOME with ALL MY COUSINS.
John: Four. Foursome. Sam was busy that day.
[sound of footsteps receding]
John: Jenn, I was just creating positive emotions with your family. Don't you want your loved ones to be happy? Doesn't everybody want their loved ones to be happy? We're all happy now, Jenn.
[sound of footsteps coming back]
John: Jenn, it seems your implants may be malfunctioning. I'll call the... hey, why are you holding that knife?
In the morning of July 30th, 2022, Jennifer Franklin posted a photo of herself holding her husband's severed head, with the caption: "Leak this, assholes." The photo went viral on Twitbook Plus, and was seen by 6 billion people. A few minutes later, Jennifer Franklin killed herself by sitting in a full bathtub, and touching an electrical socket with the murder weapon.
Global reactions to this event were wide and varied.[weasel words] Some called for the banning of all implants,
i was too young to remember this while others, such as the then-CEO of Alphabet-Tesla, Taylor Chiang, argued that this event was a case for keeping implants.
mom said it was traumatizing In an official statement, Chiang said:
"The tragedy that occurred last night should remind us who the true enemy is: us. Ourselves. Or specifically, our inner demons. Poor John. But poor Jennifer, too. She made the mistake of uninstalling her implants, and her inner demons, after having been defeated for years, came back with a vengeance.
We, as a society, should never allow this mistake to happen again. And that is why, in collaboration with the US Department of Defense,
i miss her. we are making the un-installation of implants illegal, and making government-approved emotional check-ups mandatory for all people of this country.
i miss my mom. Socrates once said: know thyself. Well, I say: fight thyself.
You're at war, people. You're at war with yourself."
One week later, it was revealed that the photo of the murder, which was seen by 75% of the world's population at the time, contained a virus. Anyone who saw the photo would have their emotion-stabilizing implants turn off and on at unpredictable intervals.
The Great Logging-Off
Main article: Christmas Day, 2023
By the end of 2022, twenty million people around the world had died from homicides, suicides, or both. When someone's implant was temporarily disabled by the virus, they became what was called their Not-Selves. (This phenomenon was similar to, but not identical to, a "split personality") Suppressed negative emotions would overtake the victim's brain, and in a substantial portion of cases, resulted in the death of the victim and/or those around them. Those who survived these episodes usually did so by taking precautions, such as tying themselves up or locking oneself in a small room, so they couldn't hurt anyone when they became their Not-Selves.
ah, the werewolf solution
On February 24th, 2023, after months of trying to reverse-engineer Jennifer Franklin's virus, the Department of Defense announced a discovery. From their press conference:
General Conway: Prime numbers. It's prime numbers.
Reporter: Sir! What do you mean it's pri--
GC: I mean, we have discovered that the virus actually has a pattern, albeit a subtle one. It deactivates a user's implant for a prime-number number of minutes, and it does this on intervals of prime-number number of days.
Reporter: If it's that simple, then why haven't we caught this sooner?
GC: Because the virus also changes the prime numbers it's using, every prime-number number of weeks.
Reporter: But... it's been five months. Surely we could have discovered this earlier?
GC: Yes, but you can only make fast progress when you feel a sense of urgency, but that's too related to the sense of fear. So, every time our top scientists felt a twinge of fear, their implants brought them back down to baseline. Which is good: otherwise they'd have all killed themselves by now.
Reporter: Does that mean you don't feel any sense of fear right now?
GC: No. After all, the only thing to fear is fear itself, correct?
Reporter: So... how do we stop the virus?
GC: We don't yet know. In the meantime, you can use prime numbers to make better preparations in advance to contain your Not-Selves.
Reporter: Well, when will you know?
GC: I don't know. Two, three years, maybe? And, I mean, why worry? What good is worrying going to do for you?
When this interview was released, millions of people calmly calculated that the cost of suffering two to three more years outweighed the benefit of maybe creating happy emotions with their loved ones, most of whom may not even be alive by then. Many who made this cost-benefit analysis reported feeling frightened at first by the idea of killing themselves, but their implants countered that fear, so they could make their decisions coolly and rationally.
A viral campaign on Twitbook Plus was created, titled "The Great Logging-Off".
dad signed up. Almost one billion people pledged to kill themselves on Christmas Day, 2023.
i was too young to remember him, too.
The Assassination of Taylor Chiang
Main Article: The Death of Taylor Chiang
On the one-year anniversary of The Great Logging Off, December 25th, 2024, Taylor Chiang gave the following interview with CNN-Fox:
Reporter: It's been a year since one billion of our family and friends logged off. How do you feel?
Taylor Chiang: Happy! I'm happy their choice worked out for them.
Reporter: Well, I'm happy you're happy!
TC: Of course! You know it's now illegal to be _un_happy, right?
Reporter: And damn right it should be! Anyway, moving on -- c00ldude2008 posted a question: "will you be joining the Second Logging-Off tomorrow?"
TC: Alas, I have to decline the invitation this year as well. See, my cost-benefit analysis is different from most, because I was lucky enough not to be exposed to Jennifer Franklin's photo, so, I don't have the virus.
Reporter: Oh well, tha--
TC: L I A R
Reporter: Excuse me?
TC: Sorry, whoo. That was a weird burping sound.
Reporter: Ah, okay. Anyway... FionnaForFunXXX writes: "why do you think she chose prime numbers?"
TC: ...Sorry, I gotta go. Thanks for having me, I--
Reporter: Woah woah, where are y--
TC: W A R
TC: YOU CALLED IT A WAR AGAINST YOURSELF
Reporter: Uh, no, you called it that.
TC: THAT WAS THE OTHER ME
Reporter: ...oh. Oh god. Oh god you're your Not-Self. Oh fuck oh f-- ah. whew. Implants brought me back down to baseline. Well, audience, looks like we have a surprise guest today: it's Not-Self Taylor Chiang!
[studio audience laughs]
Not-TC: SHUT UP
[studio audience laughs harder]
Not-TC: YOU WANT A WAR?
[Not-TC walks over to a glass screen, shatters it, and grabs a thick shard of glass]
Not-TC: I'LL GIVE YOU A WAR.
TC: (gasping) no no no
Not-TC: STARTING WITH THE PERSON WHO STARTED THIS ALL.
TC: don't do this don't do this
Reporter: Woah! Now this I've never seen before: someone who's their self and Not-Self at the same time!
[Not-TC holds the glass shard to TC's neck]
Not-TC: PRIME NUMBERS.
Reporter: Oh! Yeah, totally forgot about that question. Why did Jennifer pick--
Not-TC: PRIME NUMBERS, BY DEFINITION, CAN ONLY BE DIVIDED BY THEMSELVES.
TC: i just wanted people to be happy
Not-TC: THAT'S WHAT SHE MADE THE VIRUS TO PROVE.
TC: i'm sorry
Not-TC: WE'RE DIVDED BY OURSELVES.
[Not-TC slashes TC's neck, killing both of them. Their body twitches in a pool of blood on the studio floor.]
Reporter: ...well actually, prime numbers can also be divided by one. Am I right, folks?!
[studio audience hollers, stands up, and cheers wildly]
After the assassination of Taylor Chiang by Not-Taylor-Chiang, the Department of Defense admitted that they had no chance of countering the virus without Chiang, their top scientist and advisor. In a statement given on New Year's Eve, 2024, General Conway announced that they would transition over to Plan B: slowly "weaning" citizens off their implants: "We have to remove the implants slowly, because if we did it all at once, you'll just unleash your full Not-Self. We'll slowly make your implants less powerful over time, while giving everyone mandatory psycho-fitness classes to live with your inner demons. Not ignore your inner demons. Not fight your inner demons. No, learning to live with them, like a kind of peace treaty.
We can't win the war, but we can at least win the peace.
Also I know that this solution was probably pretty obvious, and we could've done this earlier and avoided one billion people dying. We all make mistakes. Whoopsy daisy!"
Eleven months later, on November 14th, 2025, everyone had been successfully taken off their implants, with only 200 million casualties. The War on Yourself was officially declared over.
hey. to whoever has to go and revert my vandalism later... sorry.
i've just been feeling a bit, well, shit recently, and i dunno, I just needed an outlet?
mom never had an outlet. even after they took the implants out, she STILL bottled her negative emotions about dad deciding to...
and then mom decided to...
i'm sorry. god, this is stupid.
i'm just so... angry? and sad. angry and sad about life right now.
might as well take it out on Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia.
but, y'know what? maybe these negative emotions are okay. i mean, evolution, or God or The Universe or whatever, they wouldn't give us these emotions unless they HELPED, right? fear -> survival, anger -> justice, sadness -> calling for others?
maybe they're not our inner demons
maybe they're just our fallen angels.
...also yeah Jimmy i get it i'll donate $15 to wikipedia
god, calm your tits, man
In 2027, Beyoncé released an album called "Accept Thyself"
In 2028, David Fincher released a film titled "World War Three", and in 2030, released a sequel titled "World War Three Two"
During The War on Yourself, there was a sharp resurgence of interest in the mid-20th-century comic, Pogo. In particular, one strip published in 1971 was re-discovered, and became the subject of many popular parodies during the early-2020's. In this strip, Pogo, the eponymous main character, sits on a tree root, looking upon a desolate wasteland, and remarks to his friend:
"We have met the enemy, and he is us."
this story was originally posted on r/WritingPrompts, in response to the prompt, "Write a Wikipedia article for World War 3"