Look I swear I'm a totally normal guy. Sure maybe I have long hair, a couple tattoos, a secret superpower that lets me lift anything of any weight, but other than that I promise I'm just your average Joe!
I didn't want any trouble, honest. Even though I worked at an auto parts warehouse, I never used my powers to lift any of the inventory. I didn't wanna make any of the other fellas look bad. They're all good people I swear – shout out to my boys Jacob and Matthew!
And yeah I knew one day I'd be tempted to use my powers. Two months ago the Kensington gold mine collapsed and 9 guys were trapped inside. Shoot, one of them was even Matthew's uncle, of course I was tempted to use my super-strength.
But praise the Lord, I had the spiritual strength to resist using my physical strength. I decided to wait for Coeur Mining Inc to rescue their employees themselves, and one week later they managed to save 7 of the guys, including Matt's uncle.
So you see, in the end goodness always prevails!
But my story did not end there, sadly. Last weekend we were celebrating Matt's uncle finally wheeling out of the hospital, and maybe I got a little drunk, and maybe Jacob dared me to lift a boulder, and maybe I showed off a bit and flipped Jacob's truck upside down.
Now my boys Matt and Jacob – they're my best buddies in the whole world I promise – but oh the things they said to me were so hurtful! At first Matt mumbled "you have superpowers", then he screamed "you have superpowers, and you didn't use them to save my uncle's brother?!" Shoot, I didn't know he had another relative in the mines! Matt got so angry. I know his anger came from a good place really, a love for his family, but then he started punching me and hitting me and I got so scared so I ripped his head open.
Jacob! Oh poor Jacob he ran back to the house to get his gun, but he should have known I was already so frightened, I wasn't thinking straight, I picked up his truck again and threw it towards the house and killed everyone inside. Then I ran to my car, drove south, and just kept on driving and driving through the night. Then two nights, then three. I got so tired and needed a place to sleep. So that's why I broke into your house this evening, I'm sorry, I thought it was empty! Please don't struggle, you'll get rope burn.
I swear, all I ever wanted was a normal life. Normal job. Normal friends. Normal sweetheart. Get married and have four perfect normal little kids in a normal house in a normal town. I've tried so hard to fit in, to not stick out, because when you stick out you make others feel bad or you end up hurting people you really care about. So please stop trying to bite through the mouth gag, and keep it down or your neighbors will hear! I promise on my mother's grave to you:
I'm just a normal guy.